Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.