I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Blood and glitter go together right?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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