im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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