'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
