Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
