i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
