I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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