I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
