I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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