Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Say something about gay babies.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
