i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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