Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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