would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
