GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
