I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You are the jesus of drinking
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
