you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
