we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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