Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize