u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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