There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
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