Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
