oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
