Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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