I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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