sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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