Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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