hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
