I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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