i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
