Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
