Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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