so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
