Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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