Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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