I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
