I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
