The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Congratulations! We have a period
Randomize
