If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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