Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
