I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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