AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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