Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
