Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
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