I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
