The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
