i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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