I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
