I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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