i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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