i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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