After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
True strength comes from lack of pants
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