I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
