i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
