I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
