Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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