My liver just broke up with me...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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