textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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