Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
