The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
