my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
