I accidentally had phone sex last night
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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